


Envy

by Wallwalker



Category: Final Fantasy IV
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-12
Updated: 2010-05-12
Packaged: 2017-10-09 10:12:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/86071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wallwalker/pseuds/Wallwalker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rydia has been trying to keep her jealousy to herself, but her feelings come to the fore as she and Rosa stow away on the Lunar Whale.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Envy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [seventhe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/seventhe/gifts).



"It's going to be fine, Rydia," Rosa said.

"I hope you're right." Rydia sat next to her, her arms crossed over her chest. They were carefully tucked into the corner of what looked like a massive cargo hold. They'd found the place before, exploring the ship as Cecil had piloted it to the moon and Edge had taken a rest in one of those odd little resting pods. It opened to the outside - Rydia hadn't noticed, but Rosa had, and had led them both to it. It had almost been too easy.

"Don't worry." Her voice was even calmer than before, almost supernaturally calm, and her eyes were closed. She looked like she was just resting, not stowing away on a kind of airship that Rydia had never even imagined could exist before she'd actually seen it. "It might shake a little bit more than it would if we were up above, but we'll be all right. I'm sure of it."

\---

Sometimes, Rydia was terribly, terribly jealous of Rosa. It wasn't just that she was pretty, or that she didn't seem confused by men and their feelings the way that Rydia was, although she could at least blame that partially on the way that Edge semeed to gawk and preen but never actually say anything interesting. It was that she could do things with her magic that didn't involve harming things all the time.

Rydia didn't like hurting things. Or maybe she did, sometimes, but she didn't like it when she liked it. She especially didn't like that she was very good at it, that she had apparently developed quite the talent for freezing her enemies into blocks of solid ice or sending jolting shocks through their bodies or burning them alive. Especially the burning - it reminded her far, far too much of the nightmares, of watching her home burn down around her.

Someday, if she wasn't very, very careful, she was afraid that she could be the one who turned someone else's beautiful village into a black scar on the ground. She never meant to do anything like that, but Cecil hadn't meant to burn down her village either, and Kain hadn't meant to do all of the things that he'd done. Well, she didn't think he'd meant it, not in his mind... she didn't know his heart and wasn't sure she'd ever be able to understand him, but the pain and regret had been easy enough to see. But that wasn't going to bring back her home, or undo any of the things he'd done when he'd been possessed, and Rydia knew that if she ever became the monster that she was scared of becoming, the same would be true for her.

She still remembered being too afraid to use fire magic after her village had burned down. She remembered Rosa comforting her, telling her that it was all right. And it seemed a little bit strange to her now that she thought about it, because Rosa didn't really understand what being able to wield that sort of power was like. Rosa had a different sort of power, the kind that could heal... the kind of power that Rydia missed more and more as her memories of being able to call upon it grew more and more distant. She would watch Rosa as she worked, the white light that danced around her hands as she chanted, the warmth that she always felt in sympathy as the spell took hold. She would watch and try not to look like she was watching, and she would remember being a little girl again, finding sick little birds and rabbits and whispering to them, calling up the healing magic that she hadn't even learned a name for and making them well, just like that. It had been as easy and as natural as breathing, or as calling up a wisp of heat to warm a mug of hot cocoa in her hands that had started to cool a bit too much. Back then, it had felt like a part of her, and she watched Rosa when she cast her spells in the hopes that she'd somehow figure out why she'd lost it.

Rydia didn't think she would ever be able to admit just how jealous she was of Rosa's white magic. She tried to hide the envy from Rosa, but she knew that Rosa must have noticed the faraway look on her face as she watched, or the tightening about her jaw. But Rosa never said anything about it, even if she did notice; she would just look calmly back at Rydia with a soft smile and with questions in her tired eyes. She always seemed tired these days; Rydia had noticed it some time ago, and even if she hadn't she would have noticed the way that Cecil worried over her. He tried to hide it, but it was there, if she bothered to look - the way that his glances lingered on her a bit too long, the way that he offered her his hand to steady her when they were on the Lunar Whale, even the reckless way in which he fought. It was obvious that he was always trying to distract the monsters, that he was trying to make them all focus on him. It usually succeeded, and Cecil would come out of most of their battles battered and bruised; Rosa would always heal him, her fingers careful and gentle on his skin, and the whole process would start over again.

Rydia always watched, even when it felt like she was being a terrible voyeur. She really couldn't help herself. When she watched Rosa work her magic, she could feel the echoes of what it had felt like to heal. She could remember playing with the other young summoners when she had been very young, and how good it had felt when one of her friends had come to her with a skinned knee and tears in his eyes because he knew that she could make it all better. She missed it so much, missed the warmth of the healing magic and the satisfaction of seeing her old friends run off again, laughing at the top of their lungs as if nothing had happened. She missed knowing that she was the one who had done that, and sometimes she hated that she'd never get it back.

Sometimes, although she'd never admit it to anyone, it made her feel like less of a person and more of a monster. Maybe the only reason she couldn't heal anymore was because she was becoming less human somehow, at least in spirit. She still looked human - Edge's ridiculous pranks and big moon eyes when he looked at her were proof enough of that - but maybe her soul was becoming twisted and strange. She already knew a score of ways to use her magic to hurt people; was it just a matter of time before she found herself wanting to use it?

It was a silly thing to think. She knew that, most of the time. But it was harder to remember when she was watching Rosa, especially when she saw the smile on her face after she'd just saved one of their companions' lives.

\---

"You talk like someone who's done this kind of thing before," Rydia whispered, half-serious. She couldn't help but whisper, even though Rosa had told her that there was no need, that there was no way that the men up above could hear her anyway. It made her feel better.

Rosa laughed, then opened her eyes. "I have, actually."

"What?" Rydia blinked. "You're joking. Aren't you?"

"Not at all. It was a very long time ago, however. I think that I was seven years old at the time." Rydia could see a gleam of amusement in her friend's eyes as she reminisced. "It was when Cid decided to take both Cecil and Kain on an airship ride. At the time everyone expected them both to take positions amongst the Red Wings' crew; no one thought that Kain would join the Royal Dragoons. I have to wonder if that would have changed things..."

She paused for a moment, closing her eyes. Her smile faded, and Rydia could swear that the hold had gotten a little bit colder. "But what about you?" she said, shifting nervously, hoping to drive the conversation back into safer ground.

"I... was not invited. It was assumed that I would be busy that day with my tutoring. Training for the mages of Baron starts at a young age, you see." At least it had worked, Rydia thought with relief when the smile came out again. Thank goodness for that. "But Cid couldn't have thought that I'd miss it. There I was, left on the ground while my two best friends in the world had their very own private airship ride! So I left home and snuck to the hangar, and managed to slip into a cargo hold unnoticed. I still do not know how I managed it, but I'm sure that the poor guard who was responsible for the airship hangar was severely punished because of me."

"But didn't they get angry when they found you?"

"The crew did. But by then we were off the ground and well away, and all they could do was take me to Cid." She shook her head. "I still remember the look on his face. Until he started laughing I thought he was going to have a heart attack. But he didn't say anything, and Kain and Cecil were both happy to see me, and we all got our airship ride. It was wonderful, until I went home to my parents... they gave me very little freedom for quite some time after that."

"Was it worth it?" Rydia asked, trying to smile to hide her nervousness.

"Of course it was. And it will be worth it now." Rosa had seen right through her, as she always did. "They will be grateful, once they realize that we are there to the end. I know both Cecil and Kain well enough for that."

"And Edge?"

"Judging from how he behaves around you, I suspect he already regrets leaving you behind." Rosa gave Rydia a knowing look. "Don't you think?"

"I don't know anything about that," Rydia said sharply, forgetting to whisper. Then she stopped herself, shaking her head. "No, you're right," she admitted. "He'll be happy to see me."

"They all will. Now, please, try to relax. It will make the waiting much easier."

"I wish I could," Rydia said, in spite of herself. "I envy you, you know. You're so serene, all the time, and you still know how to heal people, and...." She trailed off, flustered and irritated with herself. Of all the times to mention things like that, why was she talking about it now?

Rosa laid her hand on Rydia's, shushing her. "Hush, Rydia. It's all right."

\---

Sometimes their enemies made the mistake of think that Rosa was weak. Rydia could see it, having lived with creatures that many humans would have called monstrous for most of her life. They focused on her, targeted her, thinking that she would be an easy target and that if they killed her quickly enough they would demoralize her stronger companions and scatter them like prey. They would circle around her, and sometimes they would get their opening; Cecil was strong, but he could not always protect her.

Many of them did not have the opportunity to make the same mistake twice. They fell quickly, with one of Rosa's arrows in their eye or their leg or their heart, crying out in pain and rage as their life bled away. The ones that she did not kill outright were unpredictable; sometimes they would back away, uncertain now that the one that they'd believed to be an easy target had stung them back. Others, however, would charge at her, emboldened by rage and pain.

Sometimes they would strike her. Sometimes the strikes did very little; she was usually protected by her magic, their claws or weapons slowed by her shields to the point that they did not always cause any lasting damage. But sometimes a monster was powerful enough, or lucky enough, to strike past Rosa's defenses and harm her. They marked her pale skin, left massive wounds and bruises, and even Rosa's magic couldn't always make them heal completely. But Rydia had never heard Rosa complain, and hadn't seen her show any signs of regretting the choice to join Cecil on his quest.

It made Rydia feel strange, and even more jealous. She still remembered how she'd behaved when she'd first met Cecil and Rosa, how many times she'd broken down and cried after their battles. She remembered Rosa holding her and stroking her hair, telling her that it was all right, that there was no shame in being scared and that she was being such a strong little girl. She hated how much she'd cried back then... an irrational thing to say, and she knew it, especially considering all that she'd been through before she'd even reached her seventh birthday. Her mother had died, her home had been burnt to the ground, her entire world had been turned upside down, and she'd had little choice but to travel through dangerous places and fight off the sorts of monsters that her mother had always told her to run away from as fast as she could. She'd had more reasons to cry than almost any other little girl in the entire world.

Still, how could she not be a little bit jealous? Rosa had been so calm and dignified, even after they'd had to save her from dying of a horrible fever. Even now Rydia felt like a gawky child next to her, too bold and too rough. Rosa would never have said anything about it, and Rydia knew that it was likely all in her head, but it didn't help. She still felt uncomfortable in her skin since she'd grown up - or so the Eidolons had told her these strange changes were - and she admired how serene and composed Rosa seemed to be in hers. But sometimes - like now, she supposed - that admiration went further than she wanted it to go.

\---

Rydia took a deep breath, feeling suddenly foolish. But Rosa kept talking, before Rydia could apologize. "If it makes you feel any better, there are times when I envy you as well."

"There are?" Rydia stared at her, uncomprehending. "What do you have to envy about me?"

"Your spirit, and your wildness. I do not think that I could be as carefree or as strong as you, not anymore. I have spent so much time tending to the needs of others that I feel... very uncomfortable in doing things for myself." She sighed a bit. "And there are times when I wish I had some fraction of your power. That I could be able to attack, and not simply hide behind you and the others..."

"But you keep us all alive," Rydia said, surprised. "And you're not helpless! You can fight!"

"Yes, but... I'm sorry. I do not mean to argue. But it feels like so little, sometimes."

"Well," Rydia said, hotly and in a tone that she hoped sounded like the one her mother often used, the one that brooked no argument and no disagreement, "it's not. It's really not."

Rosa looked as if she were about to say something, but then the ship started to lurch. The two of them swayed, feeling the sudden heaviness as the Lunar Whale began to lift off. Suddenly nervous again, Rydia took Rosa's hand and held it as tightly as she could. She wasn't sure, but she kind of thought she felt her squeeze back.

The next few seconds were terrifying. She felt the forces press down on her like steel weights. It hadn't been this bad in the cabin, she was sure of it. For a moment, she was afraid she wouldn't be able to breathe -

And then it was over, and she could feel the ship shudder as it rested.

She was still holding on to Rosa, and slowly loosened her grip, feeling Rosa do the same. "Sorry," she said, taking a deep breath.

"No... I'm sorry, Rydia. I was afraid, but... I didn't think it was going to be that bad." Rosa smiled weakly. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine." And she was, just a little bit shaken. Still, she wavered a bit as she stood up, cursing under her breath. "What about you?"

Rosa nodded, pulling herself back up using the wall, leaning on it heavily. She smiled as Rydia offered her a hand. "Either way, we have little time to recover... if we do not hurry the others will leave without us."

"Well, come on, then." Rydia stayed close to Rosa, holding her arm.

"Rydia..." Rosa was unsteady at first, her legs seeming to wobble, unwilling to hold her weight. "It's all going to be fine."

"Yeah." Rydia's legs were weak at first too, but it was getting easier. "I know. I mean, once we get out of this we'll never be able to feel useless again. Right?"

"Right." Rosa's laugh was weak as well, but still it helped raise Rydia's spirits. They were going to be just fine. And it was going to be hilarious to see the looks on the guys' faces when they realized that Rosa and Rydia weren't just going to sit around and wait for them. That thought helped make Rydia smile, too.

Everything was going to be just fine.


End file.
